sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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