I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
