Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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