i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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