I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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