i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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