Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
