the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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