You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
