Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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