sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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