____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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