I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
They have beer where we have blood.
I want to fling myself into the sun
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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