I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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