umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
