Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i need an iv and a liver transplant
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
