you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
