yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
