Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
