I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
