i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Let's paint friendship bongs
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
