google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
