remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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