ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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