I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
