That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
