So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
