Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
