I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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