Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
