I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
