thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
