God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
