If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
