just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
