i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
