Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
