when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
