Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
