She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
