having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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