Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
