today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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