Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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