What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
