i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
