**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
