I want to have your abortion
my shit smells like andre
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
