i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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