apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
either way he was missing a nipple.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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