it was like his penis was on wheels.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
