She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
