Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
