It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
