Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
