I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
