so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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