he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
