When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
