I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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