I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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