so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
