I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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