Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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